The BlogStalker

Hi Friends,

How’s it going? Good - glad to hear it. Sorry I’ve been slacking again, but by now, you’ve gotta be used to it. I haven’t been reading a ton of blogs lately, so I don’t think I could give a very comprehensive blog review. I am gonna get back to that, one of these days. But for now, I’ll just give a quick update on me.

Surgery
Since we last spoke, I had my gall bladder removed on 12.31. Loaded up on painkillers is a pretty awesome way to ring in the new year.  The surgery wasn’t too bad. In fact, The Today Show was on when I started getting prepped for surgery, and The Today Show was still on when I was in the recovery room - no joke. But it wasn’t too bad - the doctors laughed at my jokes, which is pretty much all I cared about - oh and the fact that I didn’t die. Here were my jokes:

Anesthesiologist - So, what did you have for breakfast today (this is his sneaky question, since I wasn’t supposed to eat)?

Me - Biscuits and Gravy, Hash Browns, Cup of coffee, and a Marlboro red.

That one got a mild laugh - although I probably shouldn’t be a smartass to the man who can knock me out and do Dateline-worthy things to me while I’m under  if he really wanted to.  But then after surgery I woke up and the first thing I heard:

Nice Nurse Lady - Can I get you something to drink?

Me - Gin and Tonic - make it a double.

She laughed, but did not bring me a G&T. Probably for the best.

Recovery

Week 1 - So surgery was fine and then I had a week of laying on the couch, feeling like somebody punched me in the gut, and not being very hungry. I was familiar with the ‘laying on the couch’ part, but the other two were new feelings for me. I also had lots of people tell me that I would magically lose a bunch of weight after this surgery. Sadly, that did not happen to me. Likely because I didn’t move off of the couch for about a week.

Week 2 -After about a week of laying on the couch, I started to get bored, so I ventured out of the house and went for walks on the Greenway. This was kind of odd. Whenever I see out of shape men walking by themselves for exercise, I always act like I’m in some kind of post-heart attack drug company commercial.

Here’s how it works - 60 year old out of shape guy walks by me, clearly getting his first exercise in quite some time and in my head I say something like (a heart attack at 57, boy, was that a wake up call - my doctor said I should try %%drug name%%).

Now that I’m the out of shape guy going for a walk by himself, I’m wondering if people are having the same inner monologue that I typically have. Am I the heart attack man now? Nah, they’re probably just wondering why a grown man is out for a walk on a random Tuesday afternoon wearing a hoodie and plaid pajama pants.

Week 3 - I go for my post-surgery appointment. This is basically the surgeon’s opportunity to look at my stitches and pat himself on the back for doing an awesome job. Also a chance to get another $25 copay out of me. We’ll talk more about money later. Anyway - he tells me that I can start running again, so I get back out for some short and slow runs.

Week 4 - Life is pretty much back to normal - with a few lifestyle changes that are outlined below. Work goes back to being busy and I start traveling again. I feel like myself again at this point (or better) so I can’t really use the surgery as an excuse to be a lazy ass.

Finances

I hadn’t really ever needed medical care since I’ve been a grown-up, so this was sort of eye-opening for me. Other than one physical and a couple doc in the box visits, I really didn’t have any medical expenses in the past eight years. I’m not going to go on a rant on the current state of our healthcare system, but I certainly could. Just from a cost perspective, I’ll just say that this shit is expensive - and that’s with insurance through my employer. Surgery was like 13 grand with a few thousand dollars left for me to pay after the insurance company was done sending me lots of mail . Awesome. Kate says it’s my 30th birthday present.  They itemize the bill for you, which is really fun - like the recovery room cost was $979. I spent a solid half hour in that room. A thousand dollars for a half hour in a room and there weren’t any strippers or clowns or anything exciting. They did have TV, but didn’t give me the remote and I’m pretty sure they didn’t have cable. That probably would’ve cost extra. Finally, after dropping a few thousand dollars, nobody ever told me what happened to my gall bladder. I thought I’d get to keep it and could try to resell it on ebay to make back some of the cost, but no dice. Oh well.

Changes Made

So the goal of not having to go back to the hospital remains. I don’t really want to go back for any kind of liver treatment (recall from previous posts that I was also an assbag to my liver, and it is mildly pissed off at me and needs some love for the next few months or so). So with that, I’ve changed what I eat and what I drink, as well as trying to exercise a little more.

Food

When I eat any kind of heavy foods, I feel sick, so I’m not going to do that anymore. For the first couple of weeks, I frequently accused Kate of bribing the doctors and having them give me gastric bypass surgery without telling me. I’m now about 99% sure that she didn’t do this, but I still can’t really eat a lot in one sitting without feeling gross, and I can’t eat any heavy/greasy/fatty foods. There goes my promising career as a competitive eater.

Drink

I think I’ve said before that it’s pretty much impossible to list the number of days that you’ve gone without having a drink without sounding like a recovering alcoholic, but I’ll do it anyway: no booze in 48 days. Again, the primary reason for this is to give my liver some time to heal itself. Hopefully I’ll get it retested in a few months and it will be normal again, but it’s sort of a no booze until that happens mode. I’ve priced livers on the black market, and with the medical bills, and some of my discretionary spending habits, I don’t think I can budget for a liver this year. So, we’ll continue with the no booze thing until the doctor says my liver is in good working order and I can go back to mildly abusing it. This no drinking thing is kind of a pain in the ass. Not in a ‘I’m getting the shakes’ kind of way, but just general annoyance. I like drinking. It’s especially hard while traveling. When you sit in the front of the plane and they offer you free drinks, it’s difficult to order water. I almost feel like I should give up my first class seat and give it to someone in coach who would take advantage of the free booze. But then I see all of the screaming children back there and think better of it. Besides, they put me in the front because of my loyalty, so they might be offended if I didn’t accept their gift of a seat that my ass fits in. So far, 8,000 miles this year without any mini bottles.

Exercise

Trying to do this without being a complete crazy person and crashing and burning. So slowly building up my millage and trying to do something aerobic everyday, but not freaking out if I miss a day. So far so good. Thinking about running a half in the summer and then a full in the Fall (NYC if I get in via lottery, Chicago if I don’t). Goals in every race will be to finish (with a sub-goal of finishing without any visible chafing). Don’t really care about marathon times anymore - and really not sure why I did in the past.

So that’s it for the update on me. In my limited blogstalking, I’ve noticed that some bloggers are ending their posts with a question. Seems like a good way to get lots of comments. You can comment on whatever you want, but I’ll throw a question out there too - Does anyone else think it’s a little creepy that Neil Diamond wrote Sweet Caroline about an 11 year old Caroline Kennedy? I love Neil, and I don’t think he deserves his own green dot next to his house on the sex offender website map for this, but it just strikes me as a little creepy. “Oh, one, touching one, reaching out/Touching me, touching you.” That’s all for now. We’ll try to do better next time.

-Nate

Hi Friends,

How is everyone doing? Good, glad to hear it. I still haven’t gotten around to writing my year in review post, so sorry about that. I’ll try to do that sometime soon. I’m having surgery in a couple of days, so whenever I get around to writing that post, I’ll likely be under the influence of pain medication. That should make it more entertaining.

Things are going well here. Feeling better and eating healthier. Those two things just might be related. Kate and I had a good time in Tucson, although it was odd for me to go to Arizona and not have any margaritas or chimichangas. I’m sure my internal organs will thank me later for that.

Since I’m too lazy to do an actual blog post, I figured I’d just do a twitter roundup post. For those of you not on Twitter, this will likely not make any sense to you. Or, maybe it’ll motivate you to create a Twitter account and start following all of these bloggers (and me too).

I’m still not sure how I feel about Twitter. Sometimes I think it’s great - typically when I’m in a waiting room, in a cab, or on the tarmac. It takes little to no effort, which is always a plus for me. But sometimes I agree with John Mayer (@johncmayer) who once said that Twitter was “one step away from sending pictures of your poop.” Then again, he tweets all the time and has 2 Million+ followers.

Tweeting is much easier than real blogging. So I’m guessing that a Twitterstalking post will also be easier than Blogstalking. So here are a few of the bloggers that I follow on Twitter and a brief description of what they usually blog about.

Angela at Oh She Glows (@ohsheglows) - I think Angela actually has about 14 different Twitter accounts for her various business ventures (globakery, green monster movement) - hell, I think her cat even has a Twitter account. Angela’s tweets usually focus on her multiple trips to the post office or the countless glo bars that she has baked on a given day. I’ve crunched some numbers, and based on her recent tweets, Angela has sold more Glo Bars than Tim Horton has sold cups of coffee in the past year. I was going to use McDonalds Cheeseburgers, but decided to use a Canadian reference for our blogger from the North.

Heather of Hangry Pants (@hangrypants) - Hangry Heather usually tweets something funny about Hangry Mark (@markremo). Then Hangry Mark usually tweets something about video games that I don’t understand. So then I have to Google whatever video game he is talking about. Then I end up spending 15 minutes on some video game website and all of a sudden Twitter has gone from being a painless time waster to a significant time commitment. Damn you, Twitter.

Caitlin Pancake (@caitlinhtp) - HTP tweets all damn day. Sometimes I just count the number of HTP tweets and then graph them out by day in Excel. Yes, my life is really that exciting. Anyway, HTP tweets about everything, from her lack of morning showering, to her day-drinking exploits, to 20 mile runs after day-drinking. I would vote her as the food blogger most likely to tweet about…well, just about anything.

Hmm, I guess I lied. These descriptions aren’t very brief.  I’ll try to shrink these down a bit…

Jenna (@EatLiveRun) - Typically something about wine and/or acrobatics (various yoga poses or, more recently, headstands).

Fitnesstestinista (@fitnessista) - Something about going to Starbucks. Per Twitter, she goes to Starbucks more than a full-time barista. But she turns into Snoop Dog whilst tweeting, so it is frequency referred to as ‘the bizzle’ or something similar.

Everyone’s favorite Homegirl (@homegirlcaneat) - Usually something about booze, Irish boys, or San Francisco.  Sometimes it’s the homegirl trifecta…something like ‘Shots in SF with the O’Reilly Boys.’

C’n'C Blogging Factory (@CarrotsNCake) - Mostly pictures of Murphy and Mal - I don’t mind, as both are cute as a button.

Twitter Stock Up
Missing your dog while on vacation
Tweeting about hotel rooms
Tweeting about whatever song you are listening to on Grooveshark

Twitter Stock Down
Pandora tweets
Retweeting from celebrities
Tweeting pictures of food

Well, that’s all for now. Hopefully I’ll be back in a few days for the roundup post. Oh, and if you have any good recommendations of famous people that I should follow on Twitter (or non-famous people, I guess) please post as comments. Have a happy new year, and I’ll try to do better next time.

-Nate (@blogstalker)

Hi Friends,

I’d like to start this post by saying thanks to all of you for your support. I really appreciate all of the kind comments, tweets, and emails. Even some of the Russian spam comments said get well soon - or maybe they were trying to sell me a bride - my Russian isn’t very good. Anyway, thanks again so much for all of the blog love.

Quick Medical Update
So it took four days and two more doctors appointments to  prove what the first doctor said. Turns out that my gall bladder is pretty much hosed and  I also have elevated liver enzymes. El Doctor says the gall bladder gotsta go, so that’s going to happen in the next couple of weeks. No medical treatment needed for the liver - it just needs me to quit being such a dickhead. No booze and no fatty food and it should start to forgive me.

So that’s about it…could’ve been a whole lot worse so I’m thankful for that. Still pissed at myself for damage done, but not much I can do about it at this point.

A Couple Things that I’ve learned

1. Our healthcare system really isn’t very efficient. Yeah, that one is probably obvious to anyone who had been to a doctor in the past decade, but other than a physical, I don’t really fit into that category. I was not aware that the family doctor is now some kind of doc block that is the gatekeeper between me and specialists. I think Brian Williams told me something about that on the evening news, but I got to see it firsthand. Family doctor is able to provide insightful commentary like - “altering your diet and increasing exercise should help in the long run. ” No shit? Did you read my blog? Can I have my $25 back now?

2. People in the healthcare industry don’t like my jokes. Here are a few examples:

Example #1 Doctor Office Manager Lady calls to schedule some tests. Here’s our conversation:

Lady - Just calling to confirm your appointment at 8:30 tomorrow morning with Dr. (Name Redacted)

Me - Okay, thanks

Lady - Also, you aren’t supposed to eat after midnight

Me - Right, and I’m not supposed to get them wet either, right or else they’ll turn mean?

Lady - Excuse me?

Me - Oh, haven’t you ever seen Gremlins?

Lady - No

Me - I promise that would’ve been funny if you had seen Gremlins

(Awkward Pause)

Lady - So 8:30 tomorrow

Me - Okay, thanks for calling

Example #2 - Ultrasound tech is taking pictures of my gut this morning and I tell her that I’m hoping for twins. No response.

Example #3 -Doctor tells me about liver issues and talks about the risks of a fatty liver. I say yes, but on the plus side, I could produce a delicious foie gras. I get crickets.

Example #4 - Kate thanks the Nurse’s assistant who is shaving my chest and says that she appreciates the manscaping, and that she’d pay extra if she shaved my entire chest. I laughed at that one.

Maybe I’d get a laugh if I sunk to a Patch Adams style of comedy, but I just can’t do that.

3. Some people can go to the gym at 5:30 in the morning. I am not one of those people. Kate goes spinning at 5:30 on most days, and I thought I’d go to the gym and try it out with her. That was not such a good idea. During my entire workout, I had that feeling that you get when you turn the lights on to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Like you know it’s necessary to have the light on for accuracy, but it’s really annoying to your eyes and the rest of your head. Hmm, now that I think about this, about 98% of my readers are female, so this one might not make sense. Al, Ian, Mal, and other male lurkers, you know what I’m talking about. Anyway, I’ve decided that 5:30 workouts are not sustainable for me in the long run. So I’ll stick with going running at about 7:15 in the morning, while the rest of the world is driving to work.

A Few Small Repairs - Here are a few of the things that I’m working on

Back to eating this for breakfast like Kath tells me to

And avoiding this

More nights spent here

And fewer nights spent here

Drinking more of these, like OSG does

Drinking none of these (at least for now)

More time spent with these people at their favorite place

And less time spent with these ladies

So that’s what’s up right now. I promise I’ll get back to our regularly scheduled blogstalking in the near future. Hangrypants has requested a Blogstalker year in review, so I’m going to do that before the end of the year for sure.

Thanks again for all the love,
Nate

Hi Friends,

Yeah, I know…no posts for five months is not cool. Not really going to discuss that at this point. Thanks for keeping me on your google reader or finding me through other means. Also, I’m probably not going to talk much about other blogs tonight. Just wanted to give you all an update on what has been going on with me lately.

I just figured I’d give you an update on my weekend. It started on Friday like way too many days have started for me recently - waking up at 4:30 AM to catch a flight. Then meetings, then my company holiday party where I had a great time, but ate and drank way too much. Then Manhattans at a cigar bar until 1:00 AM in the morning. Yeah, that was a super healthy day.

Saturday started with a super unhealthy omelette (instead of a run) and then Kate and I started driving to Chicago. About a half hour outside of Indianapolis, I started having chest pains. About five minutes later I was gasping for breath and on the way to the emergency room (with Kate driving super fast in Middleofnowheresville, Indiana). Which brings us to the fantastic ‘before’ pictures…

That’s me in the emergency room in Frankfort, IN. I was pretty sure that my unhealthy ass was having a heart attack. Pretty sure that isn’t the case, but it was a pretty fantastic wake-up call. Having a 17 year-old nurse’s assistant shave your chest hair with a disposable razor while prepping you for an EKG puts things in pretty good perspective. Sadly, Dr. House did not consult on my chest x-ray.

At this point, I’m not quite sure what made me feel like I was passing the octokids out of my belly button, but I’m headed to the doctor to find out. I’ll keep ya’ll posted on the official diagnosis. All I know at this point is that the doctor thinks it’s my gall bladder not wanting to spend any additional time in my body. He also mentioned something about my liver being sort of pissed at me too, but again, I’ll keep you posted when I know for sure.

If you’re keeping score at home, I’ve gone from this

to this

In record time.

How the hell did we get here? I’m not really sure, but I’ve given it some thought for the last couple of days. Kate and I were dealt a pretty shitty hand a few months ago, and my exponential weight gain seems to correspond with that major kick in the junk. Not going to get into the details of that one…it’ll probably be a book at some point (once we figure out a happy ending), but some really shitty news (and my inability to deal with it constructively) has led to my full on assult on the drink and appetizer menu.

So I guess that the moral of the story is that emotional eating is not reserved only for ex-girlfriends sitting on the couch in their pajamas eating Haagen Dazs directly from the container. Comes in all shapes and sizes, including too many drinks and unhealthy meals at the airport bar. Johnny Walker and Papa John should not be my best friends when shit happens.

And we’ve been here before. Mostly because of my inability to find some kind of balance. There has to be a place for me between Tim Tebow and Tiger Woods on the consumption spectrum. And to clarify, in my case I’m talking about cocktails and cocktail weenies, and not cocktail waitresses. Anyway, finding a balance between one extreme of running 40 miles a week while consuming less than 2000 calories per day and my current state of turning even the healthiest restaurants into the ‘not that’ page of Eat This, Not That. So that’s what I’m going to do at this point - look for some balance.

The words to live by on this quest were overheard a couple of weeks ago at Disney World. Kate and I were walking through Epcot Center over Thanksgiving break. If  you haven’t been to Disney in the past 20 years, you may not know that it has been overrun with super morbids and type 2 cases cruising around on rascal scooters. So we heard a young dad turn to his little girl and say “honey, just take care of your body and it will take care of you.” He wasn’t talking to me, but I’m going to take him up on his advice.

Since I’ve danced this dance in the past, but seem to be coming back to where I started, I’ve decided that I need some help. Actually, I need a lot of help.

Kate - She has already started helping me out. Making sure I drink water, take my vitamins, control my portion size, and get to the gym. Not the crazy crash bullshit that I have done too many times in the past, but really just trying to find balance. She’s even convinced me to drink a couple of Green Monsters. I think that’s her favorite part - getting me to eat/drink the stuff that she sees on all of your blogs. She does have a vested interest in this as well, as nobody really wants to be a 29 year old widow. So we’ll just act like an old married couple and nag each other about meds and diet, in the hopes that we’ll live long enough to actually be an old married couple.

Friends - Cut me off if a drink after work turns into a trip around the appetizer menu and a few rounds of beers. I won’t be pissed off at you, I promise. Really, I can live without going all ‘Noah’s Ark’ on the appetizer menu and ordering two of everything. Who needs that? And if you’re planning on going for a run, ask me if I’d like to join. It’ll be a good warmup for you, although it might be good if you know CPR, just in case. Just kidding. Not really. Maybe.

Clients - Yes, I know there are some of you out there. As much as you like to see my smiling face all the time, if I turn down an onsite visit, it’s not because I don’t love you. I’m going to try to cut back on my travel schedule a bit - still working just as hard, but fewer redeyes and trips across the country. Oh, and keep an eye on me during the three hour dinner meetings as well.

Coworkers - You all know that I’m pretty shitty at asking for help, but I’m going to try to do that in the future. I need your help as I try to play nicely with others on projects.

Family - Continued love and support. And dad, make me sign up for a couple of races with you and run with you on the greenway.

The Rest of Blogland - Comment, tweet, whatever, and ask me how I’m doing. If I tweet that I’m consuming a 96 oz steak, feel free to reply in all caps.

So that’s about it. I hope you enjoyed the awesome before pictures. I’m going to do my best to keep this journey documented. Not going to become a food blogger and take pictures of everything that I eat (if you think it’s awkward to take pictures of your food while you’re skinny - trying doing that in public while you’re fat…you look/feel like a complete freakshow). So not sure what this is going to look like. Might keep posting on blogstalker, and might start another one. I have a habit of starting (and abandoning) blogs. We’ll keep it here for now.

Thanks to all for your support. If I don’t post in a couple weeks, it probably means I’ve had a grabber and I’m dead. Just kidding, I’m probably just busy.

Talk to you later,
Nate

Hi Friends,

Sorry that I’ve been slacking lately. I don’t really remember why I didn’t blog last Friday. I’m sure I had an excellent excuse at some point, but I can’t think of it right now. I feel like I’ve already paid the price for taking the week off, as I was assaulted on Twitter yesterday by my blogger friends. So sorry about that. I should be able to stick with my one post/week schedule in the future. I’m going to be traveling for work for the next month or so, and that will give me plenty of blogging time. There’s only so much hotel HBO that I can watch in the downtime. Who knows, I might even have time to update my other blog at some point.

So Kate and I went to see Food Inc. a couple of weeks ago. In other news, I haven’t eaten meat in the past 2 weeks. I won’t go so far as to say that I’m a vegetarian now. Especially since I don’t really eat vegetables. I’m sure I’ll go back to eating good meat at some point, but will make informed decisions when I do. It wasn’t really a conscious thing to not eat meat…for the past two weeks, every time I’ve seen meat I’ve sort of thrown up in my mouth a little bit. It  reminds me of undergrad when you’d have a rough Friday/Saturday night that ends with a  conversation with a toilet and a spinning bedroom ceiling.  And then wake up the next morning and see the almost empty bottle on the coffee table and the thought of drinking again makes your stomach hurt. So that’s me and meat right now. Not eating meat has led to some interesting meal decisions, especially since I don’t really like vegetables. Lots of brinner. I think I became the first person in company history to expense a dinner at Waffle House. I’m classy like that.

A little more on Food Inc. It has moved into my list of “Top 5 Really Good Movies that I didn’t enjoy watching at all” which is sometimes referred to as the Schindler’s List List. Not really the feel good buddy pic of the Summer, but worth seeing fo sho. I like lists like this. There’s also the “Songs that should not be played at a strip club” list (I think Tears in Heaven is at the top of that one). There’s also the list of bands/musicians whose music I really like and whose fans I really hate. Oh, and Kate came up with an awesome new list game - scan the gate area before boarding a plane and rank the people that you don’t want to sit next to on the upcoming flight.  Although I have an uncanny ability of ending up next to the person who I ranked in the #1 spot. Eating fried chicken in the middle seat is not okay.

Alright. Just about time for the blog review. No free shiz this week, so the #1 spot is up for grabs. I received some constructive criticism last time I blogged. Leah noted that I talk about the same 5-10 blogs all the time and suggested that I talk about at least one new blog every post. I think that’s a good idea. So I’ll write about Leah’s blog in the #1 spot and then talk about everyone who gave me shit on Twitter yesterday for not blogging. And I’ll try to pick one newbie every week. Thank you Leah…here’s your request, and dedication.

Leah from Leftovers for Lunch made some oatmeal in this post. Fun thing about this blog…if you look at it in Google Chrome or Firefox, the pictures are huge, stretchy, and sort of trippy. It kind of looks like the Black Hole Sun video. There’s my token 90s reference for this post. It looks like Leah had all of the requisite Oatmeal toppings at her disposal. I flew home last night and didn’t remember that I was out of my essential oatmeal toppings (butterscotch chips and heath toffee bits o’ crackle). Between my lack of oatmeal toppings, Hoda being on vacation, and Suze Orman yelling at me on The Today Show, it has been a rough morning. Hopefully it’ll be a good episode of Days of Our Lives today to turn my day around. Only time will tell.

Caitlin Pancake was the first person to yell at me on Twitter last night, so she gets the second spot on this week’s round-up. Caitlin mentioned in this post that she’s working on the final draft of a book proposal and sending it to her agent. I swear…all of these bloggers make me feel like a complete slacker. Book deal? Agent? I can’t even get a post up on a weekly basis. Not to mention my other blog, which I have completely neglected. I guess I could just print out one of my posts and take it to Kinko’s for them to put one of those little spiral spines on it. My posts are long enough that one could be considered a book. But then I’d need to find an agent. Maybe Gilbert is available. Speaking of Gilbert….HTP ended her post by claiming that Maggie is the cutest dog in the world. Maggie is a good looking bitch, but I’m partial to Gilbert, and his future wife, Penny. Please chime in on who you think is the cutest dog. Even if you don’t vote for Gilbert, at least I’ll end up with a bunch of comments and feel popular.

Lobster Rose was the second person to send out a Twitter amber alert yesterday about my whereabouts, so she gets the next spot. Rose played with her food in this post and this post. She is quite the food artist. Not only does her oatmeal cat really look like a cat, but it also relates to the rest of the post (how she found a stray cat, etc). I like to play with my food, but never get more creative then the classic raisin smily face. Usually by the time I make it to the freezer to get my red box of lunch, I’m ready to eat. I often make my smart ones decision based on the estimated cooking time. If the three cheese baked ziti takes four minutes, I’ll likely choose the cheese pizza that only takes three and a half minutes. It’s also super annoying when the meals require removal of the plastic film, then stirring, then more cooking. It’s not like I’m Ina Garten or something…I don’t have time for this additional stirring and plastic film replacement. But Rose does some incredible work with her food art.

The Daily Balance was the next twitterer to ask about my whereabouts, so she gets the next spot. Hmm, looks like it’s one of those blogs where the blogger doesn’t reveal her first name. So I guess I’ll have to make one up. Hmm, let’s go with Six. No real reason, except that she was my favorite character on Blossom. So Six at The Daily Balance does a fashion recap on Fridays where people send in pictures of what they are wearing. I think I should submit a picture of what I’m wearing. Today we’ve got:

Navy Blue T-Shirt: Purchased at 2004 Memphis in May BBQ Festival
Blue Mesh Shorts: Purchased at Nike Outlet Store in 2002
Flip Flops - Purchased in 2006. Haven’t been able to find any size 15s since.
Handbag: Plastic bag from Harris Teeter - used for cleaning up after Gilbert on his daily walk.

I’m sort of a fashion icon. And the songbird of my generation.

Whit at Whit’s Getting Fit also thought that the blogstalker was dead, so she gets the next spot. I think she could send this tomato to the coney island freak show. I think it’s a tomato. It sort of looks like a tomato that is preggers with a chili pepper baby on board. I’m starting to think that there’s something in the water here in Charlotte. The lead story on our local news was about a five-legged puppy. There is currently a custody battle going on between an animal lover and the coney island freak show guy. I think I’ll use our water filter from now on, just to be safe. And yes, this is really the top story on the Charlotte news. A couple of weeks ago they led with the shocking investigative report that showed that a pawn shop owner was selling stolen merchandise. No shit? That’s news? Haven’t these people ever watched Law and Order before? The dead person’s stolen stuff always ends up at a pawn shop.

Last to ask about my whereabouts was AliJag at Green Dog Wine. Don’t make the mistake that I made. Green Dog Wine is not the name of a winery, so you’re wasting your time if you scan the aisles at Trader Joes looking for a bottle of the  Green Dog Wine 2005 Pinot. It doesn’t exist. She just likes green things, dogs, and wine. Ali had some of the funniest blog pictures in this post. Nobody has ever put a baby on my desk. If they did, I think I would spend my time trying to train him to say the things that the baby says on the E*Trade commercials. Hmm, maybe that’s why nobody asks me to babysit. I usually don’t like commercials or shows with talking babies or dogs, but this one is an exception.

Stock Up

Stray Cats - The annoying animals, not the rockabilly band fronted by Brian Setzer.

Blueberries - They are so hot right now. They have taken over the #1 fruit spot from cherries.

Dark Chocolate - Yes please.

BlogHer Attendance - I didn’t get an invite this year. Boo on that. Maybe there will be a BlogHim sometime. A boy can dream.

Sliced Bread - Take that, sandwich thins, pita pockets, and tortillas. Don’t call it a comeback.

Stock Down

Lunchables - Do they still make these? I doubt they ever expire, so they have to have some somewhere.

End of Summer - I’m not quite ready for it yet, so please refrain from saying things like “I can’t believe Summer is almost over” and I’ll just act like it’s not happening.

Martha Stewart - It’s been re-runs for like 6 weeks. Can we get some new episodes, please?

Alright. That’s all I’ve got for now. I’ll try to do better next week.

Hi Friends,

Welcome back. Seems like we just talked. Now I’m back on track, so hopefully I can stick to my rigorous 1 post/week schedule. We’ll see how that goes. Hmm…trying to think of interesting things that have happened since my last post. Oh, here’s one…

Kelsey of Bites and Bowls fame is moving to a new place. She’s out of town and needed someone to help move some possessions (couch, bed, etc). This is right in my wheelhouse, as two of my greatest skills are lifting heavy things and reaching tall things, so I was more than happy to help her out. Problem is that her possessions > Size of my SUV. So this meant renting a truck. No big deal…figured I’d get the little truck and it would be fine. Turns out that they don’t rent the little trucks for in-town moves. I’ve spent the last few days trying to figure out how that could make any sense at all. Still working on it. Anyway, I got to drive the big 16 foot yellow truck through Uptown Charlotte. During the lunch hour. When most of the roads that I needed to drive on were under construction. Or closed. Or were one way streets with the cars going in the opposite direction. Now I consider myself a pretty good driver. No accidents or speeding tickets in 13 years of driving. But I never did figure out if there’s a way to make a right turn in the big yellow truck without taking out the curb or the people that are standing on it. So I have a new-found respect for real truck drivers, and I’ll probably stop pumping my fist when I pass them (trying to get them to honk) as they have more important things to focus on, and most people grow out of that when they turn 10. Oh, and the moving was totally worth it, as Kelsey had left beer and barney butter for met at her new place. And she gave me some Great Harvest blondies that Matt made. I must say that they were every bit as good as a VeggieGirl blondie. Actually, I can’t say that, because I still haven’t tried these VG Blondies (hint) that everyone else speaks of, but these were good blondies.

In other news, Kate picked up this new shampoo at the store. She wanted me to mention that it was free with a rebate.

Sorry for the poor photo quality. If you can’t read that, it says it includes coconut milk and egg white proteins. It just so happens that I was making brinner last night and was short 1 egg from making the ideal omelette. The thought crossed my mind to supplement my eggs with some of this shampoo. I mean, it says it includes egg whites and milk, which is what I was looking for. I decided that the shampoo might include other ingredients as well, so I did not make a shampoo omelette. I’ll keep you posted if I change my mind at a future brinner.

Hmm…trying to think if anything else exciting happened this week. I think I only left the house by car one other time since the last time I blogged, so I got nothin. Guess I’ll get going with the blog review.

Jenn from Eating Bender is in Maui with Ma Bender and she’s even blogging from vacationland. This shows true dedication to the blog, something that I clearly don’t have. Now I’ve actually been pretty anti-Hawaii when people suggest it as a potential vacation spot. That’s probably an understatement. I react to the Hawaii suggestion the same way that Kate reacts when someone mentions Angelina Jolie. I don’t know what it is, but I have no urge to go to Hawaii. It’s mostly because when I hear my coworkers or friends talk about their trips to Hawaii, it seems like there’s some kind of vacation checklist - like a list of 5-7 touristy things that every mainland tourist does when they go to Hawaii. It usually goes something like “volcano, blah blah blah, luau, blah blah pig and hula dancers and fire, blah blah seven sacred somethings, blah blah oh and the pineapple at the hotel blah blah.” I’m sure there are thousands of fun things to do in Hawaii, but it seems like everyone does the same five things. So my anti-Hawaii feelings are driven by either this tourist checklist theory, or some fear that I’ll end up like one of the Real World Hawaii cast members. Either a trainwreck like Ruthie or a completely unwatchable assbag like Colin/Amaya. But then Bender did her first vacation post and I thought “hmm, Hawaii looks nice” so maybe I’m getting over it. I think it was the pizza. Anyway, thanks for changing my thoughts on this Bender.

Mark Hangry (from Hangry and Hangry, LLC) is giving away a cookbook in this post. I’m not a really big cookbook reader. For me, it’s sort of like the owner’s manual in my car. I can read through it and look at the pictures, but at the end of the day, I’ll probably just outsource the actual work. I read enough to know that I’m not capable of doing what needs to be done. But this looks like an interesting cookbook. Mr. Hangry mentions that there is a toilet paper icon next to recipes that make you go. I think restaurant menus should offer the same thing. Mark Hangry also came up with a creative entry process for joining his contest. None of this add me to your blogroll nonsense for the Hangrys. No, you have to come up with a poem about the blogger to enter. I’m a big fan of creative contest requirements like this. Links and tweets are not the only currency that we can use for contests, blogland. So please take Mr. Hangry’s lead and come up with creative rules and regs for your free shiz giveaways.

Everyone’s favorite Homegirl had a nice post about babysitting. It was one of those posts that makes you want to be a little kid again. I want to sit in a wagon and eat ice cream while someone pulls me to the park. Although that would be pretty strange at my current age and size.  She mentioned that one of the kids was going to Circus Camp, which sent me into flashback mode. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it here or not, but I spent the majority of my childhood as a circus performer. You can get all of the details of my circus life in this post. I have hung up my sequins and spandex (to the delight of anyone who has their sight), but I will occasionally still juggle. Like after a few drinks at Universal Studios CityWalk when I want to show up a clown with my skills. I never miss an opportunity to show up a clown. That’s not slang…I mean a guy wearing face paint and making animal balloons. I hate clowns.

Rose from On a Lobster Placemat (my favorite blog name ever) did something interesting at the end of this post. She asked for male readers to de-lurk and introduce themselves. I proudly followed her orders and identified myself. I think men are an underrepresented group in food blog land. My working theory is that readership skews about 90/10 female. I have absolutely nothing to base this on. The only guys that comment on my blog are related to me, friends of mine, or other bloggers that I write about. So I’ll steal Rose’s idea. Male blogstalker readers, please identify yourself. Female readers, do the same thing. This way I’ll end up with lots of comments, and it’ll make this blog look popular.

In other news, I have grown increasingly jealous of Jenna from Eat, Live, Run for landing an interview for the coolest job in the world. You can read about it in this post. From what I gather, a winery in Napa is interviewing Jenna and some other people (who I’m also jealous of) for a job where they use their social media influence to promote the winery. It involves hanging out in Napa and getting paid good money to blog/tweet/post about wine. Um, yes please. At first I thought this would be the perfect job for me. I mean, I like drinking wine, I love Napa, and I sort of work in social/interactive/online stuff with my real job. Then I thought about it, and figured that it would lead to increased drogging, and that all of my tweets would probably just be quotes from Sideways - quotes that out of context could be viewed as vulgar and offensive. So I’d probably get fired. Best of luck to Jenna in landing the job, as it would be an awesome opportunity and may lead to some wine giveaways on ELR. I usually don’t enter contests, but if wine is involved, I’ll make an exception.

Stock Up

Protein Powder - Blogland is bulking up with muscles like Major League Baseball in the 1990s. This could lead to a new foodbuzz steroid policy. Let’s hope that Barney Butter doesn’t end up on the banned substances list.

Spinoff Blogs - Like Operation Beautiful and Green Monster Movement - which seem to be successful spinoffs (like Frasier). I’m having trouble keeping up one blog, so don’t expect a blogstalker spinoff anytime soon.

Blogger Meet-ups - Well, not really a trend, but we’re going to dinner with KERF, Pinky, and the C&C Blogging Factory tonight, so that counts, right?

Biking - I think it has something to do with the Tour de France.

Apple(s) - Both the technological and edible kinds. Most bloggers are getting their recommended apple a day. And those who aren’t eating their apples are playing with their iPhones or trying to win a MacBook Pro.

Stock Down

Television viewing options - I’m done with Summer re-runs. I need my housewives to return. And Jon and Kate. And 30 Rock. I could go on, but you get the idea.

The Today Show - I love my Matt and Meredith time (and Hoda and Kathie Lee) but this has been a bad week. Al is on vacation, and I don’t think Willard even did his smuckers birthday list this week.

Juicing - Our juicer is collecting dust, and Fitnessestenista had a near juicing disaster. I expect juicing to make a strong comeback in the upcoming weeks.

The Sun - I haven’t seen it yet this week. Maybe because it has been really cloudy. Or maybe because I haven’t left the house much.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. See you next Friday, and we’ll try to do better next time.

Hi Friends. Thanks for coming back, and I’m sorry that I’m a couple of days late with this post. I really have no excuse. I mean, I didn’t even have to work on Friday. Poor form on my part. I’ll try not to let it happen again. I’ll start with giving an update on what I’ve been up to this weekend, and then we’ll get to the blog review. Sound good?

So instead of blogging on Friday, Kate and I spent the day shopping for granite counter tops. Most of you know that Kate and I have been working very hard (with lots of help from my Dad and Home Depot) on updating our 1980s house. We have already performed a brass exorcism, removed the popcorn ceilings, and Kate has painted most of the house.

So operation get-our-house-out-of-1984 is now focused on new counter tops. For those of you who haven’t been shopping for granite, it’s sort of an experience. For me, it was particularly entertaining, since I’m pretty much color blind and don’t really spend a whole lot of time in the kitchen. So I spent most of my time adding insightful commentary, like:

“That looks really heavy. I don’t think I could lift that up by myself” - said when looking at the large slab of granite

“That one looks like the lobby at the Fairmont in San Francisco” - said while looking at some over the top white granite

“My house will be full of granite, marble and onyx” - Said while doing my best impression of Teresa from Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Instead of blogging on Saturday, I noticed that I was starting to get a lot of spam comments on the blog and I wanted to address that. So I dug into WordPress, and noticed that I could create a blacklist of words for comments - basically a list of naughty words that, when used in a comment, would lead to a comment getting automatically deleted. Creating this list was a fun exercise. I started out just using all of the words that show up in most of the spam comments (viagra, cialis, etc), but then started getting into all of the naughty words that I could think of. I think there are five languages represented in my comment naughty word blacklist. It’s like a potty mouth United Nations. So that took up most of my Saturday - happy birthday America!

As for Sunday…it’s with a heavy heart that I announce the passing of a family treasure. Lawnmower (2004-2009) passed away today in the backyard. I’d like to say that he passed away quietly in his sleep, but instead it was super noisy and embarrassing. Lawnmower and I shared so many great moments. There was my summer-long duel with crazy Indiana neighbor who wanted to have a better lawn than me. Crazy neighbor might have had me beat with his mad edging skillz and Cracker Barrel quality rocking chairs, but he couldn’t compete with the quality work that lawnmower did for me. And then there was the time that I thought I could fill up a camelback with beer for an afternoon of lawn mowing (not as brilliant of an idea as it sounds). Your beer will taste like gatorade, and your gatorade will taste like beer. Hmm, maybe if I had two camelbacks. Anyway…Lawnmower made the trip with us from Indiana, and lived exactly one year at our new house. He joins Weed Wacker (2004-2007) Red Truck (1998 - 2005) and Kate’s Laptop (2006-2007) in joint asset heaven. He is survived by gas can (2004-) and weed wacker #2 (2009-). In lieu of flowers, please send unleaded gasoline or spark plugs. A private ceremony for friends and family will be held at Lawnmower’s final resting place - the crawlspace under the deck. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Alright - time for the blog review now.

Anna at Blue Plate Special gets the top spot, because she sent us some free shiz. She sent us some delicious supercharge me cookies. Because of their name, I treated them like little vitamins. Unfortunately, they did not lead to me going out and running a marathon, but eating one of them did give me the energy to eat another one. So thanks again, Anna.

Anna made the world’s largest salad in this post. Either that, or this is the world’s smallest hand and blackberry. I’m not sure which it is. Sometimes I like to hold those little 6 oz Coke Cans in my hand and act like I’m a giant. I also do the same thing with the mini bottles of booze on airplanes. It’s not very difficult to entertain me. Also, shortly after her green monster, Anna was offered $5000 for this blender on the antiques roadshow.

Hangry Heather showed off her obscure nut butter collection in this post. I’m glad that Heather shared this picture. I’m also glad that Heather mentioned Scurvy…I always try to mention rickets or scurvy, but generally only do so when playing The Oregon Trail. And that usually happened because I’d buy 99 boxes of ammunition and no clothing for the children. This is no way for a banker from Boston to prepare for a trip across the country, which is why Nate Jr. would always end up with cholera or scurvy. I also mention scurvy when talking about the lead singer from the Spin Doctors (he just looked sickly), and he just doesn’t come up much these days. Anyway, I like this picture, because Kate has been falling in love with Polly’s fridge lately, which is super clean. Kate has talked about going with the ‘empty fridge/buy groceries for one day’ method. I don’t see this ending well for me. Neither of us is going to be able to go to the grocery on a daily basis. I can hardly commit to making it to my office every day, and that’s just upstairs. Hell, I can’t even blog every seven days. So please, more pictures of full fridges.

K-Dizzle from K’s Good Eats tackled an important topic in this post. In addition to sharing several mushroom glamour shots (K-Dizzle loves mushrooms - almost as much as the Real Housewives) she also discussed how her dogs are scared of fireworks. We have the same thing going on with Gilbert. This was a big problem when we lived in Indiana, because our hillbilly neighbors considered the 4th of July to be a week-long excuse to set off fireworks. I don’t get it, the duration of the holiday is clearly stipulated in the holiday’s name. It’s the 4th of July, not the “first week of July.” So Gilbert Michael wouldn’t go outside without bribery for a week or so. Fortunately we don’t have the same issue here in NC, or maybe Gilbert is just growing up. He knows he has to step up and be an adult before his upcoming nuptials with Penny. Man, we really need to stop treating that dog like a person. Oh, and a belated happy birthday to K-Dizzle.

Heather from Heat the Salmon Butt jumped on the banana ice cream bandwagon in this post. She also had a birthday party for her dog Einstein. Good to see that we’re not the only ones who treat our dog like a person. I would’ve liked to see the birthday hat on Einstein. We tried to put a birthday hat on Gilbert during my Spongebob party, but he decided to eat the hat instead. That dog loves to eat all paper products (Kate likes to say that he has a paper tooth). I’ve been kind of scared to try the banana soft serve. Several bloggers (Kath, Fitnessestenessa, Heat the Salmon Butt) have referred to it as a life changing experience. As I’ve mentioned before I’m not really a big fan of change, so I don’t know if I’m ready for that kind of a commitment. If someone could confirm that it will taste good, but not change my life, I might give it a shot.

Post Graduate Meghannnn is on vacation, which means lots of guest posts. I was happy to see a post by her Easter Bunny, Derek. I like when bloggers have their significant others post for them. Most of them follow the format of: I don’t really pay attention to what I eat, I eat food from boxes, I don’t use all of those fancypants ingredients, I eat healthier because of my blogger, and I can’t believe that my blogging significant other does this posting thing multiple times per day. It’s a pretty solid format. I have enjoyed posts by Oh He Glows, Matt Eats Real Food, Mr. Hangry, and now Graduate Derek. I’m thinking Kate should do a guest post here in the near future. Both because I’m sure she’d do a good job, and because it would give me another week off from posting. A little peer pressure via comments could help make this happen.

Stock Up

Hummus - Good for hummus. It’s a true comeback story…Hummus has fallen on hard times lately, so it’s good to see hummus (both homemade and store-bought) make it to the stock up list again

Chicken Sausages - Not sure if other bloggers were eating them, but I ate enough this weekend to make them stock up

Patriotism - Blogland felt like a Toby Keith song this weekend

Green Monster Variations - Everyone seems to be adding an ingredient here, taking one out there. One of these days someone is going to come up with a combo that blows up their blender like an Indiana meth lab.

Stock Down

Store-bought Ice Cream - Everyone seems to be making their own. This banana stuff is out of control. I might give it a go, if I could also get butterfinger and oreos mixed in, like I do at Cold Stone.

Amazing Grass - It’s still out there, but mentions are down about 30% from last week

PETA Vegan College Cookbook - This was as popular as those Mushroom Ravioli things earlier this year, but haven’t seen it in blogland recently.

Alright, that’s all I’ve got. I’ll try to do better (and get back on schedule) next time.

Hi Friends. Thanks for coming back. Sorry I had to take a week off last week, but I’m back now. I leave for one week and all hell breaks loose: Jacko and Farrah die, Jon and Kate file for divorce, my Jersey housewives leave me for the year, and the Governor of a neighboring state goes to Argentina to have an affair. Crazy stuff, and that doesn’t even count all of the non-celebrity news. I’m guessing People Magazine has changed their upcoming cover about three times in the past week.

Since I haven’t spent a whole lot of time reading blogs recently, I’ll ramble a bit about our Cabo trip, and then talk about some blogs a little bit, okay? Cabo was fun. I learned that I’m getting a little too old for Spring Break (downtown) Cabo. All-Inclusive Resort Cabo is more my style. Although having something like this in your hotel room is just a little bit dangerous:

I also thought I’d give you guys a photo diary of a typical day of vacation. We’d start the day looking like this. Kate getting ready to go to the pool/beach and me heading to the golf course:

We’d then spend the afternoon at the swim-up bar, and I wouldn’t look quite so good. I think I’m going for a late Jim Morrison look. Like after he exposed himself on stage but before he died:

By the end of the night I’d look like this:

Stay classy, Nate.

And then we’d pretty much repeat that same process for nine days, so it has taken me some time to recover here. Before I get on with the blog review, I’d like to issue a few apologies.

Marta the drink cart driver at the Cabo San Lucas Country Club - I’m sorry I nearly hit you with my drive on the 16th hole. In my defense, just because we’re in Mexico, that doesn’ t mean you have to include vodka AND tequila in my Bloody Mary. I think just vodka would’ve been fine. I don’t think I’ve ever had a bloody mary and thought “You know what this needs? More booze.”

Ramon the bartender - I’m sorry I freaked out when you handed me my bar tab. I should’ve realized that 1800 pesos is not the same as 1800 dollars. In my defense, you are sort of the reason I was overserved and incapable of handling the currency conversion in my head.

Ceasar the guy who makes animals out of bath towels at the Riu Palace - I’m sorry that that I put Towel Swan and Towel Crab in such compromising (and unnatural) positions. That was childish and unnecessary. But then again, please refer to the in-room booze dispenser in the picture above.

I’d also like to thank Mrs. Arnold, my middle school Spanish teacher. Your decision to let us ignore the vosotros conjugation of countless verbs allowed me to focus on more important things. Like knowing that I was supposed to go to the Caballeros Bano, and not the Mujeres Bano. Kate apparently didn’t learn that in Spanish class. She knew she was in the wrong place when she saw the urinals.

Okay, enough about Cabo…time for the blog review:

Janet at Pretty Green Girl did a post about cookies here. Not that I’m going to borrow the recipe (I should probably stay away from cookies during my post-Mexico detox) but I do appreciate the video clip from Troop Beverly Hills. I think more blog posts should include random movie clips, especially those starring the great Craig T. Nelson. Top billing in a future blogstalker post to the first blogger who can naturally fit in a clip from Turner and Hooch, or the 1986 made for TV movie: The Ted Kennedy Jr. Story. I’d put in video clips, but Kate only wants me to put in videos that she has taken of Gilbert.

Speaking of Gilbert, he will soon have a new friend in Charlotte. Kelsey from Bites and Bowls recently announced in this post that her dog daughter Penny will be moving to Charlotte. Kelsey, Kate, and I have talked about it, and we’ve decided to arrange a marriage between Gilbert and Penny. We still have not worked out all of the details (picking a date, getting Matt to bake a dog cake, negotiating Penny’s dowry) but it will be THE social event of the Summer. Neither Penny or Gilbert have the bits required for procreation, but that’s okay….it will still make for good blog fodder. Check your mailbox (or my blog) for a save the date card.

Caitlin at Healthy Drogging Pancake has stated a spin-off blog, Operation Beautiful. It’s sort of like Post Secret, except that all of the notes are about having a positive body image, as opposed to sharing ones deepest, darkest secrets. Still very entertaining, and it is really taking off. HTP is getting love from big fancy newspapers with this Operation Beautiful thing. She’s sort of a big deal. Kate sometimes leaves me anonymous notes like this. Except they aren’t really anonymous, because I know she leaves them for me. And instead of saying things like “You’re beautiful just the way you are” she just cuts out coupons for $3 off of a haircut at Sport Clips and leaves it on my laptop. It’s the thought that counts, right?

Kath has apparently spent the past week creating, revising, and re-revising (not a word, I know) her list of places to move. I feel like I’m watching a friggan episode of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego. Carmen’s in Savannah. Wait, now Carmen’s in Jacksonville. At least they’re in the Southeast, so I’m familiar with the geography. I always used to get pissed when Carmen would be in Africa or Asia, because I knew there was no chance I could identify the various unmarked countries on the big map. I guess I should’ve been happy to have a criminal mastermind like Carmen farther away from my house, but that safety wouldn’t win me that set of encyclopedias. Okay, enough about Carmen. Kath, I can make this really easy…just stay in Charlotte. A couple of reasons why: 1. It’s awesome. 2. We live here, and we’re pretty awesome. Hopefully that settles it.

I haven’t been spending enough time reading blogs recently, so no ’stock up/stock down’ this week. If y’all want to post some stock up/stock down suggestions as comments, that would be lovely. Instead, we’ll do some Larry King-style News and Notes:

News and Notes

Congratulations to the World’s Nicest Blogger, Polly on her 15 year wedding anniverary

Congratulations also to my friends and fellow bloggers Kate and Al on their upcoming wedding bash. Looking forward to seeing you guys in Minneapolis tomorrow!

Blogapalooza sold out faster than a Taylor Swift concert. I wasn’t able to register in time. Or, I wasn’t able to convince Kate in time that a blogging conference was the best way to spend our 5 year wedding anniversary. We still might come to Boston that weekend and attend some of the extracurricular activities. Stay tuned.

Sarah at Tales of Expansion issued a french toast challenge in this post. Brandi accepted the challenge by french frying some donuts here. This is like a carny’s dream. I’m pretty sure it’s fair season, so maybe Sarah can get a guest post from the guy who deep frys twinkies or oreos or something.

RoseyRebecca is giving away some Greek Yogurt. Find out the details here

Iowa Girl Eats is giving away some stuff too. I’m a slacker and didn’t get this post up in time, but you should still check out her blog.

That’s all for this week. I’ll try to do better next time. And remember, whatever you do, Don’t stop till ya get enough.

Hi Friends. Thanks for stopping by. How was your week? Good…glad to hear it. Pretty good week here. To follow up on last week’s recap, I survived my meeting with the doctor on Wednesday. No horrible illnesses or diseases, so that’s cool. The doctor did say that he’d like to see me lose a little weight. To which I replied “yeah, me too.” I’m glad that I’m on the same page as my medical professional. See you next year, doctor. Enjoy the $25 copay.

I’m sorry to report that I won’t be posting next week. Actually, I’m not sorry at all. Kate and I are heading to Cabo for the next 10 days or so. I’ll have limited access to phone, email, and sobriety. Hmm, maybe I should put that as my out of office message. Nah…probably not. Might not have a job to come back to if I did that. Anyway, I doubt I’ll be spending a whole lot of time reading blogs in the next week or so. I’ll be back with my weekly recap on the 26th, as long as I don’t end up with Swine Flu or something.

Alright. One sort of funny story and then we’ll get to the blog review. Kate spent the last couple of evenings googling Gilbert’s dog breed (in between looking at all of your blogs, of course). Searches included: Shar Pei Rat Terrier, Rat Pei, and Shar Terrier. Then she’d find pictures of similar looking dogs, and would show them to Gilbert. Usually saying things like “Gilbert, come look at your sister.” Then she mentioned that she wanted to find Gilbert’s family so we could have a reunion. So totally joking, I recommended that she check out ancestry.com to find Gil’s relatives and then I went back to watching bad television. About ten minutes later, Kate says “I don’t think this is going to work…it’s just stuff about people and their ancestors.” Apparently she thought I was serious and had looked for Gilbert’s ancestors online. That was probably the highlight of my week. Okay, now time for the blog review.

Kelsey from Bites and Bowls has taken the top spot away from Hangry Pants, which means I got some free shiz. Kind of, but not really. Kelsey jacked one of my Smart Ones on Saturday night/Sunday morning, which you can read about in this post. To repay me, she brought over a box of Twilight-Inspired Conversation Hearts. They came in a box with the dreamy Edward Cullen on the package, and the hearts said things like “Bite Me” and “Live Forever.” They were delicious, even though it’s four months after their originally scheduled consumption date. So thanks B+B for the free shiz. In that post by Kelsey, you’ll notice that she and I sang karaoke backup to Matt last weekend on Nuthin’ But a G Thang. I volunteered to sing the Dre parts, which I thought meant I’d just say ‘hell yeah’ in a low voice over and over again. Turns out that Dre actually has a verse. Oh, and I also found out that if there’s a ‘radio friendly’ (or wal-mart friendly) version of a song, then that’s probably the version that the karaoke guy will have. I was singing the album version. So I’d like to apologize to the patrons of the Yellow Rose for my bad language, but I think I was singing the song in the way that Dre and Snoop wanted it to be sung. Except for the whole drunk white guy in a dive bar in suburban Charlotte North Carolina part. Hell yeah.

Emily at Super Caloric Chalk Dust tagged me in this post, which appears to be some kind of chain letter/post. I heart Super Caloric, but I’m not really a chain letter responder kind of guy, so I’m just going to talk about Emily and her blog and we’ll say that I’ve fulfilled my chain letter duties, okay? That way, if this is really some kind of scam, then I won’t be considered an accomplice. As far as I can tell, the only difference between a chain letter and a pyramid scheme is that nobody gets rich with a chain letter. People just end up giving personal details (like their lack of at home pants wearing) instead of ending up with mad loot.  And for this chain blog thing to take off, they should probably include some threat of dismemberment or disfigurement. Those both seem like good motivators for old school chain letters. Like send a pair of flip flops to 10 of your best friends or else you’ll get the hiv or something.  So I’m going to make my own rules instead. By being tagged, it means I should stop eating peaches, and should go on vacation and sit on the beach for a couple of weeks. Okay…sold.

Tina at Carrots ‘n’ Cake made some dong-shaped cupcakes in this post. At first I thought this was really out of character for the C ‘n’ C blogging factory. I mean she usually does nice things like pictures of parks in Boston and funny stories about Mal, and out of nowhere come these iced dongs. But then I read the post, and it turns out that it was part of a bachelorette weekend party thing. This makes sense. Bachelorette parties are one of only three scenarios where graphic depictions of man junk are socially acceptable. The others are junior high (sex ed class) and episodes of Oprah when Dr. Oz is the guest. That damn Dr. Oz is always talking about man bits. Speaking of  sex ed…did I ever tell y’all that my dad was my sex ed teacher in Jr. High? I can’t remember if that was on this blog or another blog. Anyway, this is reason #1 why I haven’t been embarrassed since 7th grade. Nothing tops that. Nothing.

Speaking of wangs, Snackface made a pretty fantastic reference to Trey MacDougal’s flaccidity in this post. I know, this post is more than a week old, but it was probably the funniest thing that I read this week, and it’s my blog, so I’m making an exception and including it in the weekly roundup. Mostly because I’m planning on stealing this line and calling anything limp ‘Trey-Like’ from now on. We’ll see if it sticks. Cut to my favorite scene from Mean Girls when Regina George says ’stop trying to make fetch happen.’ Say what you want about LiLo, but Mean Girls is one of the best movies in the history of the world. Ever. And shame on me for just now writing about Snackface…there’s no excuse for that. I mean, she has SATC references in her posts, she attends Matt Lauer’s alma mater, and she hangs out with homegirl. How did it take me 12 installments to write about her? I say again, shame on me.

Stock Up

Amazing Wheat Grass - Really? We’re drinking grass now? I’ll take healthy eating stereotypes for $200, Alex. This is like a bad commercial for a casual dining establishment. Like the family goes to the health food restaurant and everyone is drinking grass, then the dad makes a stupid face so the family goes to Flingers for some jalapeno poppers or something instead. Ugh.

Blogapalooza References - This is pretty much the social event of the summer. I’m looking forward to this almost as much as the season finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Healthy Twilight Pancake had a nice post about it where she asked readers which bloggers they wanted to meet. I almost signed in under random names to stuff the ballot in my favor.

Free Shiz - Not for me, but there are some contests worth mentioning. The Professional Vegan is giving away some books…Fast Food Nation and Food Inc. I didn’t know they wrote books about those movies, but you can find out the details here. In other free shiz news, Kori at All things B is giving away some of that Amazing Grass in this post. In other news, I’m going to mow my lawn on Saturday before we leave town, so I’ll be having a grass giveaway as well if you want to come over and pick up the clippings. It’ll save me some raking.

Summer haircuts - I’d like to think that this is because I got my fro cut off last week, but I doubt I’m really a trendsetter here. Post-Graduate Meghannnn and birthday girl Jenna were among the multiple bloggers who got ‘em all cut this week. Am I really talking about the hair cutting schedules of people I’ve never met before. What the hell is wrong with me? But if I meet them all at blogapalooza, it won’t be quite as creepy, right?

Stock Down

Mean Anonymous Comments - Actually there have been way too many of them recently, but I give them a big thumbs down. If you want to be a wanker and get into a comment pissing match, go to a political or news blog or something. Anonymous mean comments on food/health blogs are just dumb. Props to Fitnestestinesstia and her pilot on the way they handled this one. Critical comments are okay. Just leave your name so we can engage in a healthy dialogue. Or so I can leave a flaming bag of poo on your doorstep.

Gluten - I really don’t know what gluten is, but people seem to be avoiding it. I could google it and find out what it is, but  I’m a firm believer that for everything I learn, I forget another thing, and I don’t want to forget anything,  And please don’t try to educate me via comments, or else I’ll forget my 2nd grade teacher’s name.

Soy - People seem to be anti-soy this week as well. I’m alright with that, as long as it just means I should avoid faux meat (like Soy Burgers and Soy Sausage). Consider it done. But don’t make me give up my soy sauce and edamame. Can we make an exception there?

Foods that end in consonants - I’m not sure why, but there have been lots of posts about foods that end with vowels. A prime example of this is Rose’s Frittata and Scone post. That’s a double word score. Keep in mind that Pat and Vanna are going to charge you $250 apiece for those.

Alright friends. That’s all I’ve got. See you in a couple of weeks. We’ll try to do better next time.

Hey there,

How’s everyone doing? I’m okay. Thanks for asking. Just wanted to let you all know that Rebecca at Rosey Rebecca is giving away some Chobani Greek Yogurt in this post. There are some rules and stuff, so you should go check out her blog and enter if interested. I’m probably not going to enter. We’ve already got a fridge full of Chobani up in here. For some reason, Greek yogurt is the only thing that Kate buys in bulk. Everything else she buys in single servings. Even stuff that she eats every day. It makes no damn sense. I think we went to the grocery store four times in one week to buy kale. If you’re going to feed this stuff to the juice monster every morning, maybe you should buy it in larger quantities. But she doesn’t have this problem with Greek yogurt. She purchases Greek yogurt at the same rate that Jim Bob Dugger purchases Aqua Net. Nobody could eat as much Greek yogurt as Kate buys…which is more evidence that she is sneaking this stuff into my food.

While I’m at it, why did all of you healthy people have to pick yogurt as your Greek food of choice? How about jumping on the flaming cheese or baklava bandwagon with me? I’d even be alright if you choose olives, as long as they are stuffed and drowning in gin.

And while I’m still at it…how is next week the season finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey? Not related to this post, but I’m pretty upset about it. I was just getting to know them and now they’re leaving me. Not cool

Anyway, go enter Rebecca’s contest. Win yourself some Greek yogurt, and I’ll talk to you kids on Friday.